5 Ways to Help Your Child Learn to Self-Regulate

As club leaders – and parents ourselves – we know that kids have big feelings. Learning to manage emotions is really hard work (and let’s be honest, we don’t all do it very well as adults either!), but it is something our girls can develop with a little guidance, practice and a lot of deep breaths (from us too!). Here are five ways we help girls aged 8–11 build self-regulation skills in our club and at home (but they’d work for all kids and most age groups too).

1. Help Them Recognise Emotional Triggers

By this age, children can start spotting patterns in their emotions, if we help them connect the dots. We can ask things like, “Have you noticed that when you don’t get enough sleep, everything feels like the end of the world?” (Relatable, honestly.) When they’re calm, you can help them work out what prompted their emotional reaction –  common triggers include things like feeling tired or hungry, a difficult conversation with a friend, having too much homework or even an unexpected change in plans. For girls this age, hormonal changes can also play a significant role in how they respond emotionally, so it’s important to factor that in too. Sometimes this can make spotting triggers harder because the emotional responses can seem to come out of nowhere, and it can be difficult to differentiate between hormonal mood swings and reactions to external stressors. But once they start to understand their triggers, they can start coming up with ways to manage them before they turn into emotional outbursts. Or at least understanding why they happened afterwards.

2. Encourage the ‘Pause and Plan’ Approach

When emotions are running high, kids tend to react first and think later. We can try to slow things down with a simple strategy: Pause, Breathe, Plan. We can remind them, “Take a breath – what’s the best way to handle this?” Teaching them to take a moment before responding helps them shift from knee-jerk reactions to actual problem-solving.

3. Give Them Healthy Outlets for Stress

Older girls need real ways to release frustration – because let’s face it, just telling them to “take a deep breath” doesn’t always cut it.

Some ideas we’ve seen work are:

• Going for a walk or doing 10 star jumps to physically shake off stress.

• Blasting their favourite music (then switching to something a bit more chill once they’ve screamed into the void for a bit).

• Using creative outlets like doodling, journaling or even writing a dramatic short story about that one time you RUINED their life by making them do homework.

The key is helping them figure out what actually helps them cool down instead of bottling it up.

4. Use Logical Consequences Instead of Punishments

When kids act out, it’s tempting to jump to a punishment of some kind. But we’ve found that natural consequences tend to work much better. If they refuse to do their share of the household chores, instead of immediately banning screen time or taking something else away, we might say, “Well, if you don’t help tidy up, we can’t start the film we were going to watch together.” This way, they see a direct link between their actions and the outcome, helping them learn responsibility without feeling unfairly punished.

5. Teach Them to Be Their Own Coach

By this age, kids are fully capable of arguing with themselves (we’ve seen it in action). So, we encourage them to use that inner voice for good: If they start thinking, “I’m terrible at this,” we help them reframe it to, “This is tough, but I’m getting better.” A simple trick? Ask, “If your best friend was feeling this way, what would you say to them?” Suddenly, they’re handing out sage advice… to themselves. Magic.

Self-regulation isn’t about never getting upset – it’s about knowing how to handle those feelings when they come. Every child is different, and there’s no perfect formula, but with a little patience (and maybe some earplugs for the occasional I’M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN moment), we can help them develop skills that’ll serve them for life.